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December 18th, 2008
10:41 pm - Child Complex and Stuff
I've heard that people who act younger than their age usually do that to make up for a traumatic childhood. Sometimes I act like a little kid, but for me I think maybe it's for the opposite reason. Being depressed, I don't really remember the last time I was happy. I just remember that as a little kid I was a very happy-go-lucky little girl. So I think when I act like I'm four, it's because my little kid days were the happiest of my life and in a way I'm trying to relive them. I'm sure some other people can relate, even if they don't act like a little kid. Despite whatever craziness was going on at home, social life outside the home was so less drama-filled in our childhood than now when we're teenagers/young adults. It must be the raging hormones.
A couple questions for my readers regarding love: a.) do you believe monogamy? b.) do you believe in bigamy? I find that a person doesn't have to believe in one and not the other. Personally, I think 2 people can make it work out. Sometimes I feel like there's no hope for love because otherwise the divorce rate wouldn't be so high. But there are rare cases where 2 people find they can stay together until death (maybe even after death, depending on your beliefs). All the same, I find people can find that same kind of love with more than one other person. I wish people could always be honest about it, though, because cheating is (I'd imagine) a big reason some people leave their spouses. And, true, cheating isn't always about love. Sometimes it's just purely about sex. Maybe even something else, idk. But still. I think bigamy isn't such a bad thing as long as all parties agree to it. In fact, it can be as beautiful as any monogamous relationship. But that's just me.
Current Location: Study
Current Mood:  content
Current Music: none
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December 7th, 2008
04:17 pm - Nature is amazing
A deer was born with a horn in the middle of it's forehead. Thus, it was named Unicorn. Nature does such unpredictable things! =]
Current Location: Dorm
Current Music: None
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December 1st, 2008
12:55 am - Cottingley
Even though the majority of the infamous Cottingley fairy photos were admitted to be fake, the girls who took the photos swear that there really were fairies in the beck behind their house.
 Field trip, anyone?
Current Location: Dorm
Current Mood:  artistic
Current Music: Nick and Norah
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November 26th, 2008
05:59 pm - More suicide pics
 (Don't worry, guys: That isn't my wrist. Both my wrists are cut-free. I promise)
Current Location: My Room
Current Mood:  blah
Current Music: Shhh it's a secret ;D
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04:49 am - More pics
I'm not really depressed so much now as I am tired as fuck. And livejournal wouldn't load at first so I thought for sure my ip address was blocked or something, due to that last picture in my last post. Apparently not. Whew! That was a close one!
Current Location: Dorm
Current Mood:  tired
Current Music: Teardrops On My Guitar --Taylor Swift
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November 25th, 2008
10:07 pm - Suicide pics, WARNING: ONE DISTURBING
Current Location: Dorm
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: P!nk
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November 19th, 2008
09:48 pm - Perception vs Reality
I'm supposed to think seriously about perception vs. reality, according to my therapist. And what better place to reflect my thoughts than livejournal? So sometimes things that you think to be reality are just what my therapist called the "fog of depression." Like if you walk around thinking you're ugly all the time, that's your perception. That doesn't always mean that's the reality. For me, my perception is that no one likes me (sometimes). But the reality of it is, everyone I think dislikes me just doesn't understand or possibly thinks I'm too quiet. So maybe if I wasn't as shut-in, I might be able to change my perception. That might be able to help me feel less self-conscious when I'm around people. My biggest challenge is getting past the perception that life is pointless; class is pointless; getting out of bed in the morning is pointless; doing anything to help sustain my mental and physical health is pointless. That's the thickest part of my depression fog. And it's so hard to see through to reality. I don't know how long it's going to take before I even know what the reality of that situation is. It makes me want to go back home and just take time to figure things out, but my therapist and I talked about going home, too. She asked me if that would be a good idea and I said no. She asked why not and I came to the reasonable conclusion that going home would be like running away from my problems instead of facing them. And I can't run from my problems forever. Well, I suppose I could, but it would make life very difficult.
Current Location: Dorm
Current Music: Various stuff 0.0
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November 14th, 2008
06:40 pm - Just stuff
I had a particular thought of the day to record... I thought of it while I was in the shower, but ]now I've forgotten it. So I guess I'll just talk about [dot]hack Infection (the video game). Ummm I reached the final boss (Skeith) before I knew it (I just recently got the game back from Kristina). I kept jabbing at him and my battle plan seemed steady. But I couldn't seem to do any damage! So on it went for what felt like it might have been a full 20 min. I tried to look up some walk-throughs on how to defeat him, but everyone keeps saying basically the same thing: I stocked up with lots of recovery items and beat him within a few minutes. People used different support characters and were at various levels. WTF?! That's basically what I was doing! I managed to stay alive, but I couldn't beat him! The only thing suggested that I haven't tried is have a wavemaster and a heavyblade (most people use BlackRose and Minstril) and have them both use attack skills while staying in the back and doing all the recovery. This might work... But still not much different from what I was doing before. Quite frustrating. But I feel rather good about myself having almost beat the game at level 24. And I'm glad I'm not the only one getting their ass handed to them by this boss. In fact, the rest of the phases are said to be easy. And in the process, I got some neat tips for finding rare items that will help me in the game sequel! Plus, apparently the name you choose has something to do with how well the game works for you! If you choose a name of a character in the book series, your chances of doing well increase (or maybe you get some extra events or something. Katie was the one who introduced me to this game, and she always went with the default name. As such, she used to talk about having more interactions with Helba and Balmung than I've ever experienced). So I'm going to start a new game, too, with a different name. I'm absolutely crazy about the book/t.v. series too! ^^ Maybe it'll be easier to beat the game that way.
Nothing is new. Still home (yay!). Still don't want to go back to school... It's such a drag when you learn that college still feels like school. I don't think it has been any different from high school for me; other than having to go to class less, do more work on my own, and not living at home. It's SO funny (more ironic than funny, really...): I never thought I would prefer my own home to anywhere in the world. Yet I like it here so much more than OU! Still... Everyone's in a bad day today and I wish I could live with one of my friends or something. My friends motivate me to live so much more than family or school. Actually, I did get a little burst of inspiration at my uncle's memorial. But that was soon overshadowed by my usual wallowing in self-pity and misery. Although I am learning a little bit more about how to read an astrological chart--one step closer to learning how to cast one, right?
Quote of the day: "I would suffer thrice the number of bonds [as Hephaestus] if only I could share the bed of Aphrodite the Golden" -Hermes
(Also pulled from the Witches' Almanac, '09-10 Issue 28. From page 73)
Current Location: Study
Current Mood: content
Current Music: None
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November 13th, 2008
04:29 pm - Signs
So I got sick on Monday. Just when I was going to attempt to get myself back on track. So I thought this could mean one of two things: either I should keep hating everything and doing nothing like I have been or I'm dying. Then I had some ginger ale on my way home and I felt mostly all better. So I thought maybe this could be a sign that I should drop out, go home, and find myself. Think about it. I went back to school and wound up ill. I went back home and everything was all better. Ok, maybe I'm just crazy. But that's what I think.
And now a story:
The Fox and the Countryman
A fox was running away from hunters when he met a man in the wilderness. The fox begged the man to hide him, and the man showed him a good hiding place. Soon the hunters arrived and asked the countryman if he had seen the fox. The man said no, but he pointed to the fox's hiding place. The hunters paid no attention to this, and left. When the fox saw that they had gone, he started to run away in another direction. The man called after him, "I saved your life. Aren't you going to thank me?" The fox turned and said, "I would thank you, if your actions had been as friendly as your words." And the moral of this story is: some people talk as if they were your friends, but don't act that way.
(The Witches' Almanac, Issue 28, Page 44)
Current Location: Home
Current Mood:  Dreading School
Current Music: Medic Droid
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November 12th, 2008
03:55 am - History Repeats Itself
It definitely does. So much has happened today that has reminded me of a certain day of March 2008. First of all, there's been my downward-sloping emotions. Just general feeling hopeless and pointless and hating life. Which differs from my freshman year of high school when I hated myself. Now I just hate life. Which has been accompanied by a lack of interest in anything. Lack of interest= I don't care about school= bad grades. Not that that bothers me any, it's just that my mom is going to have my head for it come next time I see her. Anyway... there's also a temporary loss of my cell phone. This time I didn't really lose it. It's just that the battery died and I'm over an hour away from home. Still, this could lead to communication difficulties. Lastly, today a girl was escorted out of her dorm room by police for suicidal behavior. Even if I had more details, I wouldn't release them as to protect this girl's privacy. All that needs to happen is for me to do something totally stupid, lie to my mother about it, and get in a serious argument with her when she finds out the truth that leads me to believe my life is over anyway, and we have a creepy, flawed replica of March. Luckily, I'm not about to let that happen. Ok, I guess that's it.
Current Location: Dorm
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: 99 Red Balloons
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November 11th, 2008
02:14 am - Tired of living this way
Current Location: Dorm
Current Mood:  Borederline Emo
Current Music: None
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November 8th, 2008
03:51 am - Stuffs
So I sneaked out of the house tonight to go to the Necto. I can't believe I didn't get caught! But even if I had, it would so be worth it! I had the most amazing time EVER. And I'm so glad to be out and about for once! I was so socially deprived it's not even funny! No wonder I was so depressed. So I'm gonna say a few things just cuz I feel so happy that I still actually have the ability to make friends! Yayayayayay!
Scott and Sarah are the cutest couple ever! ...Second only to Liz and Crystal! <3
Random guy named Sean. I don't know him, but he's cool! I regret not yelling "I love you!" randomly to him when I passed him in my car once the night was over! Just to be random. I love random!
And to a certain someone... who most likely won't be reading this... I just need to get it off my mind... I love you more than anything. I think you know that. And I'm sorry that sometimes you have problems with your girlfriend. It's ok if you talk to me about it. But PLEASE... stop making me your outlet. It tends to get my hopes up just when I'm over you. So unless I really do have any sort of chance, just stop. Just try to be normal with me, whatever normal might mean. I feel like we've been through this before... -.- Oh, yeah... That's because we have. Ok, now that I'm done venting, I can continue to get on with my life. As much as I love you, I wish you the best of luck, as always. P.S. Thank you so much for calling me! I love it when I can hear from you! And when I said you're the only person I loved right then, I meant I knew you would have gone out with me when I couldn't find anyone else to. :)
Current Location: Study
Current Mood:  super-extatic!
Current Music: The Keyboard
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November 7th, 2008
11:58 am - Fuck this
I want out. There's no point anymore. I want to find myself before I go to school. Then I might find something in me that's worth it. But I can't because then we won't know if my ADD drugs are working or not.
The guys around me seem much friendlier than the girls lately. The girls aren't rude, but they ignore me and sometimes I wonder what they say about me when I'm not there. Not that I care. Girls will talk. That's just how it is. And I don't really care if they don't like me. But sometimes I wish they would tell me to my face. Maybe they don't know that I can handle whatever they think.
I miss my uncle Mike. I didn't see him very often, so I'm not in tears (except when I think about how some of my other relatives must be feeling. All my love and sympathy to my grandpa Dan, uncles Terry and Denis, aunts Gloria and Mary, 2nd cousins Patti and Dave and cousins Meagan and Brendan) but it still depresses me. I'm limiting my time of mourning, tho. People die and life has to go on.
Current Location: Dorm
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Nick and Nora's Infinate Playlist Soundtrack
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November 3rd, 2008
10:57 pm - Wow This Is Weird
So my weekend was full of ups and downs. Up- I went to Big Rapids and spent the weekend with Missa. We spent a lot of time trying to figure out what to do because we are nocturnal and NOTHING is open late in Big Rapids. Or almost nothing. Down- My uncle died. Halloween otherwise was, of course, AMAZING. Night before I was a zombie. Pretty sweet. Halloween I was Hello Kitty. Missa was "black and white" lol. After it got dark I transformed into "Hello Kitty after hours." Halloween is so awesome, Missa and I are celebrating it on Christmas as well. I'm going to be a dominatrix zombie. I don't care if there's two feet of snow out! I will be wearing my black mini skirt, fishnet stockings and hooker boots!
This picture is so weird. First of all, I look like I was crying which I wasn't. Second I look really young. But I guess it's kind of symbolic in a way because I'm still struggling with ADD and depression.
Anyway, I'm hating living here. It's not like I'm ALWAYS trying to avoid people. I try to be nice and still no one wants to talk to me. Giving up and going somewhere else isn't going to help. So it seems nothing will. Maybe this is just the depression speaking... but at the moment I just feel like I'm right. It still feels like my whole being here is pointless. But I can't find any alternatives. Washington was an alternative at one point, but that isn't going to work anymore.
As for the future, right now I just see short-term. Wednesday is the memorial service. This weekend I'm home so I can get a shot. My time is free. Missa and I may be playing with Tarot cards and enjoying some bubble tea at Bubble Island. This will be worked around Missa's concert and Rosie's baby shower (because Missa has to go to those. I don't have anything else going on except the shot). Anyone is free to join (except Sio... Sio-Inga time does not mix with Missa-Inga time. It just doesn't work that way). And I'm free if anyone else wants to do something another time, too. You can clearly see I'm socially starved by the way I emphasize the vacancy of my schedule. Ok, I suppose that's it for now
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: I should put some on...
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October 30th, 2008
02:56 am - Someone stop me before I do something I regret
I can't believe I feel this way. I thought I was completely over my depression and it comes back to haunt me so randomly. I've just felt miserable and hopeless so much of this week. I'm so out of it, all I can do is sleep. And I feel like crying but I can't.
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
Current Mood: depressed
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October 22nd, 2008
02:46 pm - Pocket Emo
Wow, it's been 103 weeks since I've updated my LJ! Well, myspace isn't working and I wanted a place to put this. Enjoy! <3
Current Location: My Dorm Room
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Actually, idk
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October 31st, 2006
11:14 am - Yay!
Today is Halloween! I'm being Ruri and my hair is looking o-tay! ^_^ I woke up at 5 to do it cuz I thought it was gonna take forever. But it's fine. Tomorrow is the first day of él día de los muertos. This is also exciting. I'm going to do my hair all pretty for Nov. 2nd. Well, pretty-ish. Anyway, that's all for now.
Current Location: Study
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: none
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September 3rd, 2006
01:48 pm - Yay!
Current Location: Study
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12:49 pm - Didn't see this coming didja?
Current Location: Study
Current Music: none
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August 29th, 2006
08:29 pm - More quizzes
No fair! They ganged up on me!
Damn it! I though Dolores Umbridge would be drinking from that goblet!
Current Location: Study
Current Music: none
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udonobbsessed's journal